February 28th, 2009
|10:33 am - Insides are collapsing once again.|
You know that feeling you get when your lungs feel like they're about to cave in, and your heart physically aches? It's like that moment right before you're going to cry, and you realize you can't cry. Your head is racing, and you feel like your head and your heart are in a definitive battle with one another. Well, that's how I feel right now.
I've been down this road before, numerous amounts of times, and it never seems to get any easier. I guess one might call it a broken heart. I believe that I call it the inability to cope with life. I honestly don't know how I get myself in these situations, and for some reason I continue to do it over and over.
An easy way for me to cope with this would be to get pissed off and hate this other person, talk shit about them, etc. For some reason, I just can't do that...maybe because I do really care about this person. Logically I understand that he can't give me everything that I need right now, nor does he want to try. I guess involving someone else in your life in such a intimate or personal way opens the possibility up for chaos and generally failure. So, on one hand he says he really likes and cares for me, yet on the other, he just wants to be friends. I told him I can't do that. I can't just pretend to be is friend when I have all these desires to be with him. I am certainly not going to put myself in that situation again. I've done that before with a past relationship of mine, and it took me years to get over Mikie. He said he doesn't want a relationship and doesn't want to "date". He said he doesn't do "casual dating", its either all or nothing with him. He also said that because he doesn't want a relationship right now that he wants to continue to be my friend, without the physical aspects. So nothing changes accept the fact that I understand not to have any type of expectations of him.
The way that I cope with this is to rid myself of this burden and the non simplistic idea of being just "great pals". I have pulled myself into a shell away from him. I erased his number from my phone, deleted his chat and texts, and even deactivated my Facebook account so I don't have to see anything related to him at this time. The way he was talking to me last night was so genuine and real that I can't help but be understanding, but it still hurts so bad. The hardest part about it is that he explained to me that he didn't want the physical part that came with us because he felt that that was something set aside for a personal or intimate relationship...even snuggling. So, staying the night with him and knowing that was the last time I was going to get to snuggle up next to him was tormenting for me. Another hard part was that he actually held (put his arm around me), as I was facing away from him at the edge of the bed. This is the first time he has ever done that. He just kept staring at me while I stared blankly at the wall for a while. Then he would say 'will you please look at me'. I would say 'why'. He would say 'I guess you don't have to, I just want to look at you, look into your eyes." It was like 'just share this moment with me'.
I got up this morning to leave at 7:30a.m. and he wakes up and says, 'bye, have a good day'. No kiss goodbye, no hug, I just walked out the door feeling like I was walking a road to failure...death...dead end. My insides just felt like they were going to collapse all at once. I got in my car to leave, and just cried for like 15 minutes.
My heart is in my stomach and its now 10:30am, and it hasn't left.
Current Mood: discontent
February 17th, 2009
|09:43 am - Its now year 2009|
I rather enjoy looking at my past posts from my disregarded LiveJournal. It is now year 2009 and I am 26 years old. Can you believe it? I'm 26. Some say that your mid 20's would be one of the more prime times of your life. Some days I feel like it is, most I do not. I am getting older and still feel like I'm 18 years of age. My life seems simple, practical, and exactly what I asked for when I left Big Sur. Even though God always gives me the desires of my heart, nothing ever seems to be good enough. Some days I get really depressed for no reason, and others I'm pissed off for no reason. I always want what I can't have, and I never fully feel at peace (with myself, with God, with life, with relationships, etc.) Here is where I'm at:
I now work a full time job as a home based iTunes Customer Service representative for Apple (what the hell is that?) Basically, I wake up, usually late, walk into my dining room (which is always exceptionally cold), sit down at my computer, clock in as fast as possible (to avoid getting an incident, or in other words..punished), then I sit here for 8 hours of my day, 40 hours a week, and give out a wealth of knowledge about something so meaningless it shames my soul. I have always had this desire to be something more than myself...and I have become so much less. Nevertheless, I try to stay positive and just robot myself through life.
On a brighter note, my fashion design career is progressing. Maybe not at the rate I had expected, but progressing none the less. I have become increasingly better at sewing, and have really been able to focus in on my niche for design. It seems crazy that I have now been designing for 5 years now.
Austin really feels like home now. I have been here for a little over 3 years consistently, and have built a nice foundation of friends. I have also gotten to spend a lot of time with my Dad, step mom, and little brother (he will be 7 this year). I have also gotten to spend some great quality time with my little sister, Brittney, and my cute little niece and nephews. She is now married with 3 kids and lives in Killen, Texas (hate that place). Sherondah is married too, and lives in Macon, Ga (hate that place too). Summer is engaged to a man who is 40 (which might be good for her), and she will be having her first born soon.
My mom was with this one guy, Don, for about 7 years. He most recently committed suicide back in October. I guess October was a hard month, I don't know. About a week or so before this incident I had actually threatened to kill myself (verbally, out loud, to my mother)...mental breakdown #1. Before, I felt like my mom would have rather it have been me then him, and I soon after I had mental breakdown #2 and took a week off work to compose myself. After discussing things with my Dad, I realized that my whole life I have always felt completely neglected by my mother. I guess I never realized this because my best friend growing up, Cherish, believed I was the luckiest girl alive to still have mine. Maybe I was blessed to still have her. Sometimes though, I felt that I would have rather her have left me against her will then to have left me by her own free will. Having a man in my mom's life was always more important then having her daughters. She would have chose a man over us any day, and she did...most of the time, even though she hasn't or would never verbalize that. To me, actions speak louder than words.
My Dad, is great. Sometimes he is verbally abusive, but I think its mainly because he doesn't understand me at all. He doesn't understand how something that genetically came from him doesn't believe and think exactly like him. He is very controlling and I believe he must feel like a failure for not bringing me up to think, act, and believe what he was traditionally taught. I am beginning to learn that he is right most of the time, however, there are just some issues that will never ever be determined as right or wrong...and our problem is, he likes to touch on those issues. I think he sees the world in black and white, and I just dream in color. There are times when I just never felt good enough, or didn't deserve his love. We're getting better.
I just needed my parents, and most of the time, they just weren't there. God knows they tried the best they could though (I think).
My mom is married again. I haven't met him. I hope she is happy, and stays happy. I'm tired of her being depressed all of the time.
My whole life I have felt like I was becoming just like my mom...can't hold a relationship, ultimately selfish but tries really hard not to be, always depressed, a stressed out mess, can never be completely happy, falling in love with everyone, emotional, you name it (spitting image). I wonder if she realizes she's like that or its just how I see her. Nevertheless, I asked my Dad back in October to please tell me I wasn't becoming like my mom. He confirmed that I wasn't, and went on to say that "If anything, you're just like me". I wouldn't say that was a negative or positive thing honestly, because I believe that he is inwardly as much of a mess as my mom. This was good though, because I realized that I took completely polar opposite people and found that they are both just alike. So, basically, we're all just a bunch of messes...just trying to live and do the right thing. I think I can find some peace in that.
The last thing I would like to touch on is my lack of understanding of love or being in love. I look back on my past posts about Don, and just remembering the immense love that we had for each other, I get extremely depressed. Sometimes I go in to deep reflections of guilt about how our relationship ended, as well as the fact that I ended such a beautiful thing. We were wonderfully and perfectly in love. He taught me how to expressively verbalize love in such an amazing way. A way that most are scared to hear, and rarely are receptive to. He was NOT scared of love at all, nor was he afraid to tell people. Along with that, most people thought he was crazy. Maybe he is a little crazy, but so is everyone else. He just wasn't afraid of expressing his craziness. Which is what I loved most about him. He was the most honest, real, and genuine person I have ever met in my entire life. So one would wonder why I didn't marry him. I will try to explain it as best as I can.
Don and I were madly in love, kind of like a Romeo and Juliet story. The Blue Lagoon description that I prayed for God to send me actually happened. I moved my life from Atlanta, to Austin, met Don, then moved my life to Big Sur for him...and adventure. I needed to feel alive again. Him and Big Sur made me alive again. We slept on the beach together, hiked 20 miles up a mountain, slept in tents together, hitch hiked, drank beer at the local bars together, traveled to the Golden Gate bridge, waded in streams and hot springs together, laid in star fields and watched a never again meteor shower (this is when he proposed to me). Any adventure we could get our hands on, we did. We were just free spirited and in love. He proposed under that meteor shower, 20 miles up a mountain, in the middle of nowhere, laying on a bed made out of hay, at a moment in time that will never ever be replicated. It was the most beautiful moment I could have ever asked for for a proposal. Shocked as well as giddy like a little girl, I accepted. At that moment, everything seemed to disappear and my life seemed complete.
After that, we were great for a while, months I would say. I ended up moving back to town (out of the woods), got a job, and lived in a tent on the campground I worked at. It was a bit hard on me, him being gone for 2 -3 weeks at a time. I didn't have any friends there and would desperately try to find people with any similar interests as myself. Don and I were so inseparable for so long that I had forgotten what it was like to have a life outside of him. Being away from him gave me time to reflect on my own life, what I was doing, what I wanted to do, etc. I found that I had become so complacent with his dreams, goals, and aspirations that I had forgotten about my own. I realized he had my whole life planned out for me, because we were going to become one.
I never expressed this to him, but I did tell him that I felt like we should take a break. He was devastated but extremely understanding. He said, I will come back in 2 weeks, will that give you long enough to think about things? He also suggested that we write out how we feel on paper and give it to each other. So, we went to our favorite spot, the rocky cliffs of Big Sur, near the pirate cove, sat on the rocks with the sun gleaming down and the waves crashing on the rocks, and the warm smell of the ocean's purity and wrote.
My mind was a blockade. I wrote about the moment and not about us. I don't even remember what I said, that's how dead and confused I was at that point. 2 hours later, we exchanged letters. His was a beautiful love story of him and I, and how we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, and if not, we would always be connected as one soul (Soul mates perhaps?). When he read mine, I think he knew, without words how I felt. Although I was in the most free spirited place in the world, with the most free spirited person, I felt trapped.
He came back 2 weeks later with the largest bouquet of wildflowers I have ever received in my life. Reality was upon me, and I wasn't ready to give up my life for someone else, so the flowers just made it that much harder. That night was the hardest for me because were laying in bed together, and he was trying to hold me close to him. I told him that it was weird and he said in the most loving tone "I never want to make you feel awkward or weird". So he got up and went and slept in his sleeping bag outside. This was all so hard for me because I was still madly in love with him, but I knew that we wanted completely different things for our lives. We were not on the same path, because I ultimately found some sort of direction...and he wasn't in that direction. And, I remember something he told me when he first met (which is actually in an earlier post of mine). But he told me that 'See, sometimes you just have to go". So, I left.
Now, I have no doubt in my mind that Don would have given up his life plan so that I could fulfill mine, with him in it. But I never asked him to. I loved him so much that I let him go fulfill his dreams. He would never have been happy if he would have chosen the direction I wanted to go because he loved me.
To me, that is love. The question is, what do I do now?
Current Location: Austin, Texas
Current Mood: curious
July 29th, 2005
|09:58 am - Time for a quick update.|
Everyone always has these really cool things to say on livejournal...yep...I feel pretty lame writing in this thing. I don't really have cool interesting things to say. Well, I do, but not on this thing. So, anyways, I'm in Big Sur California again. It's such a magical place here. I have even heard stories about people seeing fairies from people I wouldn't expect to tell me that they have seen them...like really practical people. Anyways, one of the most amazing things about being here is getting to wake up and drive to WORK on a rugged coastline of cliffs and beauty everyday. That is my drive to work. While other people are sitting in their cars in morning traffic, in cities, honking at the person in front of them to move over so they can go work their 9-5 boxed in job, I am driving up a scenic coastline that people travel from all over the world to see on their vacations. Que rico! Life is so great. I think you gotta watch out a little bit for places like these. I think the intensity is so great that sometimes you even go a little crazy. There are a lot of crazy people here. I meet at least one serious WACKO everyday.
Like there is this one guy that was staring and smiling and the mountains oneday from the parking lot and the resort I work at. He had these crazy mickey mouse pants on and a bottle of vinegar in his front pocket that he seemed to be really excited about. And he just stood and stared and smiled for like 30 minutes. With this really intense grin on his face. I watched him and thought about how this guy would be considered by the locals as the next child molester. To the locals here, all the crazy people are child molesters.
We call ourselves locals, because we aren't tourists. Because you have your locals and then you have your tourists. There is no in between. Oh, Big Sur! Oh, Big Sur!
October 23rd, 2004
|08:14 pm - Hello from the magical land of Big Sur!|
So, I haven't written in a while. It's pretty crazy trying to keep up with these livejournal things. My last one was like in April right after the fashion show. I had a lot of extra time to kill with a computer, so I thought I would give it a whirl. I also wanted to wish Heather and Tiff a Happy belated birthday. It's hard keeping up with these dates that people were born like so and so years ago. Anyways...you guys have permission to forget mine as well. I also want to wish a special happy birthday to my long lost friend Missi!
And B...if I forget yours...I apologize ahead of time.
So, I am coming back to Ga in Dec and living in Chateau with my brand new fiance'!! I have decided to finish school...but back to Big Sur in May I go!
So, I want to have a return party! Preferably a Hawaian party! We can maybe have it in our new apartment in Chateau! I should be living next to one of my best friends...Laura!! Hopefully Dovi will work something out. Okay...love and blessings to all of you!!! If you would like to call me at work and have something really important or exciting to tell me, my number here is (831)667-2129
April 29th, 2004
|12:16 am - new fashion show photos|
For those of you who don't know...I have new fashion show photos...go here:
|12:03 am - too late...|
It's late for me and I should be packing. I am moving out tomorrow into a studio downtown. It's such a cute little place.
Wish me luck and pray for me.
My boyfriend is coming back soon. 3 more days!! I can't wait!! I wish he would have come back today. He did say before he left..."I might come back on the 28th so I can spend more time with you." I guess he couldn't make it. Que triste'. I think that's how you spell "how sad" in spanish. Well, May 1st isn't that far away.
So, this whole absence thing is so good because I am positive that I am in love with him now. Maybe if I move to Hawaii he will go with me. He did say that he feels like God is calling him to Hawaii. He just doesn't know when. Anyways, I want to move to Hawaii. I don't know what will happen in the future though. I have to listen to what God is telling me to do. Right now...God is saying..."live your days to the fullest and don't have any regrets...look forward to the great pleasures I have for you in the future...I love you".
Okay...nothing more...remember to call me and tell me you love me. Some days...I need it.
April 25th, 2004
|10:08 pm - strange...|
It's strange how people change...but overall...stay the same.
I miss Ga.
I miss Darko too. I have been having dreams of marrying him lately. It sounds nice...but oh, so un-probable. Today is his birthday. He is turning 29.
Oh, for those of you who don't know. I am taking an online class at West Ga and I will be coming there in July for like a week to take my exam and visit and things like that.
I love you all.
My pictures from the fashion show are up now. Visit bleachonline.com and go to Galleries...and then to "Return of Fabrications"...you will see me. Or you can visit my Myspace thingy and the pictures of me are up there.
April 19th, 2004
|11:05 pm - hello lovers...|
I'm in this warped Wachiechue world right now. Getting more stupid by the minute. Computers are not as Wachiechue as the fuckin' television though. The Wachiechue has got a hold of the media world and the brainwashing starts working at the click of the remote. So, Wachiechue created the internet...but what they didn't know, was this was going to be too much and completely overpower them oneday. So, on a scale...internet verses pinche' televisions...internet wouldn't come close to as gnarly.
I modeled for a fashion show on Saturday night. It was cool. I was sick and doped up on medication and silly me decided to drink some wine on top of all that. So, I was a little delirious on stage.
Here is the website you can go to to look up the pictures. I'm not sure if they are put up yet, but check it out.
BleachOnline.com...it should be under galleries...then..."Return of Fabrications"...then look under Jen Rea's collection. If not...ask me questions and I will lead you the right direction.
Next year...same site...around the same time...you can look up my own line of clothing on the same website. I'm going to call it "Mariposa" I think thats the correct spelling.
This is where I want to go this summer. Someone give me $900.00 so I can go. http://www.esalen.org/workshops/work_study.shtml#apply
April 15th, 2004
|06:08 pm - Begin to realize?|
I am beginning to realize some incredible things are about to happen in this world. There is going to be a change. There is going to be a chain. A chain of freedom fighters that will take over the world. I am becoming one myself. I started even before I moved to Austin. I started by following God's decision for me to move to Austin. I am now becoming, now that I am here. I will not be here long. I think God brought me here for a complete transformation of my life. Transformation change and knowledge of the unknown. The incredible buffet of lies that are being preached over me day by day that I did not even have a glimpse of before.
This speech is one thing that I would like to share to all of you out there. I think it's something that definitely needs to be heard...then there needs to be action. God has other plans for me, I'm sure of that. I don't know where I am going next but the mission must be completed. This world must change and it will.
Evolve or Cease:
We have drifted upon an age of immense potential and transformation. As we ascend into this age of waking consciousness we face the reality and impact of our thoughtless, destructive ways.
So long have we been unaware of out impending waves of negativity and the absence of our compassion, communication, and understanding. The reflection of our ignorance is extremely evident in out behavior, in the obvious condition of our most sacred Earth, and in the presence of intense global conflicts.
In all the recorded history of our civilization you will find a story of gross misunderstanding and multiple variations of abuse to every essence of life. You will find the infliction of violence upon the Earth, animal cultures, and plant species. So many extinct, so many more spiraling into the darkness of extinction. Including the very trees that we exchange the miracle of breathing. Even the desire to dominate and enslave our own kind.
These are the negative ways of separation. These are the results of material gratification, of meaningless ignorance and the illusion of greed. The shadows of the Ego.
The growth of deterioration intensifies each day. Soon the effect will be unimaginable. This could very well be the end of an essence most precious and sacred.
This can only be resolved by the reality of Oneness, communication, and understanding. This can only be harmonized by unconditional Love and Compassion. The desire for accumulated materialization is only an illusion and a definite means to an end. Everything we could ever need to survive was once plentiful and inexhaustible. There was no need to adjust that which was naturally perfected by divine equation.
The desire to dominate over nature has caused great imbalances in our world. Constant taking and stripping of the Earth's resources has resulted in much death. Delusions of our pride, of our Ego have only distorted, have only impaired our natural ability of acute awareness and spiritual sensitivity. Many of us have always felt the presence of an illusion, the corruption of our eternal happiness and our immeasurable laughter.
All of us are blessed to have met one another. We are blessed to have shared the experiences of pure emotion and the depths of truth that have kept us from giving up. All the pain, all the suffering, all the tedious trials that we have endured are not of ill fate. We have begun to understand the root of our sorrows. It is the cry of this being we call Earth who has nourished us with unconditional, indiscriminate Compassion and Love.
Religious dogma, Economic systems, Capitalistic corrosion and ways of this nature are the crystallization of a misguided idea. There is no need for Rule, just a need for Balance. There is no need for Obedience, but a need for Rhythmic Harmony. There is no need for Fear, just a rational need for understanding.
Limitation and boundary are an illusion imposed upon us from the moment of birth. Confusing us, impairing any sense of direction. Distorting our ability to flow. The Human Spirit has not one limitation or a single boundary. Like our imagination, it is endless, immutable, and everlasting.
We all are gifted in our ability to learn, to create, to fucking evolve. The only obstacles in our lives are the ones we choose to see. The only boundaries are those that we place upon ourselves. We have the gift to harness, shape, and create our own paths, our own reality.
Only can we bring ourselves to personal liberation. Only can we redeem ourselves. Only you can elevate yourself to salvation. That is to lift one's self out of the heavy material of ignorance and ascend into the light of reason. This way cannot be taught, but only understood. This sacred truth and purity of knowledge is locked within all of us. Communication is the key.
So we have a choice of being enslaved or to free ourselves.
We have a choice of extinction or evolution.
We have the choice of letting each other die or standing together, as One.
We have the choice of letting the Earth, our most precious life giving mother, wither or help her breath once again.
We owe our deepest gratitude to this creation. It is our responsibility to help this world. We are in debt to the Earth. It is an honor to maintain the life of this bliss. Unconditional compassion must be given to the endless amount of hate that has been inflicted. It is your choice, the blood is on your hands. The blood is on all of our hands.
It is time to either Evolve or Cease. There is no more time to hesitate. Each day hundreds upon thousands of lives diminish, plant and animal, rivers and lakes, the very air we breath. Even the innocent.
So what is your choice? Live on your knees as a slave, never to experience the true essence of living? Or die on your feet in the Oneness and Truth so that the spirit of all humanity and all life may be forever?
Written: 3/06/03 in a state of Oneness by a human being.
Ek Balam Jal (I think this means "transformation of a Black Panther into death")
April 6th, 2004
|06:36 pm - In Dallas...|
So, I'm at Don's parents house in Dallas right now. He is cooking me dinner again. It seems so strange to me that I find someone so wonderful, yet, so different from me, and in one week...it will be no longer.
He really is a specially crazy person.
Yesterday, before we left, I walked in the house he was staying in in Austin and he was laying there sleeping on his couch listening to Indian Chants. He looked so sweet just laying there.
I went up and gave him a kiss to wake him up. He woke up with a smile on his face.
While he was getting his stuff ready to leave, I laid down to rest my eyes for a minute and just went into a dreamlike (without sleeping) state.
I dreamt of the time right before I started liking him when I was watching the movie, "The Blue Lagoon" in my bed. I remembered watching that movie and thinking "I want a love story like that. Way out in the middle of no where living off the land with my love. Just him and I and hoping for nothing but another incredible day with each other." After the movie was over I cried out to God for a love story like that. For God to send me someone like that.
Then I met Don. And as the dream went on, I dreamed of what I would look like if I moved away to live in some foreign land with none of this useless shit that I am used to.
I dreamed of wearing colorful cloth wrapped around my body, found at some little shop (or given to me from a friend) in a small town in Mexico. I would have long, un-dyed hair, tangled and windblown. No make up...it wouldn't be needed. Kinda like a little Indian girl in Mexico, who eats fresh fruit that her wonderful and hardworking husband brings her.
I know this was only a dream...but when I woke up ftom the fantasy, I was smiling.
I think everything is possible...maybe not probable...but possible.